Seattle Seahawks 2023 Regular Season Schedule Review

The NFL schedules were (leaked) released last week, and it’s time to cover the Seattle Seahawks’ 2023 regular season schedule.

If you’re an unhealthily dedicated fan like me, it might be of interest to you that the preseason games will be against the Minnesota Vikings, Dallas Cowboys, and Green Bay Packers. The dates are unclear; I guess that didn’t get (leaked) released with the rest of the season schedule.

Regular Season Schedule

Week 1: Seahawks Vs. Rams at Lumen Field on 9/10 at 3:25 PM CDT

The Seattle Seahawks will face off against the Los Angeles Rams. The Rams have been dog water since they made a team of champions that won the Super Bowl at the expense of having a good team for years after.

I’m most looking forward to seeing Bobby Wagner go for the Rams; he said he wasn’t mad at the Seahawks when he played them last year, and he obliterated them. Hopefully, he will have a similar fire when he goes against his former team. Of course, the Rams didn’t throw him away like trash when he got older and didn’t inform him of his trade after the media did, so I’m not counting on it.

That being said, I hope Bobby and everyone else leaves Matt Stafford alone; he already got his spinal cord scrambled once, and I really don’t want to see an elder go down again like that.

I don’t know if we will win or not, but I do know I will be irritated by the Rams’ existence either way.

Week 2: Seahawks Vs. Lions at Ford Field on 9/17 at 12 PM CDT

I would never want my team to lose anyone; one of their biggest opponents is the team’s management, and that’s a tough enough burden to carry. However, if we were to allow a team to win, it would sting less if it was the Lions.

Everyone does (or should) love the underdog Lions come up. Dan Campbell took a team with a loser’s complex and “phoenixed” them into a respectable team with his loudness and passion mixed with a lack of poise. We all loved Coach Campbell on Hard Knocks; he’s our hero.

Jared Goff has been kicked around like a deflated football (before or after Brady threw it, you pick) since McVay McVayed him and traded him off to the Dodgeball team that lost. A kick to the groin in this draft was the Lions selecting another QB in the 2023 draft. Goff has one more chance to prove he doesn’t suck. He probably does suck, though, and if he does have a redemption tour, let’s have it another Sunday.

The Lions will likely fall to the Hawks because they can’t kick their complex in two seasons; Campbell can only do so much with what he has.

Week 3: Seahawks Vs. Panthers at Lumen Field on 9/24 at 3:05 PM CDT

I would say the Panthers are a complete non-factor, but then Bryce Young happened during the draft. We’ve seen what it looks like to see college football stars flounder in the NFL way too many times in the last few years, so I will say they are a non-factor with a significant question mark.

It might be an ideal time to talk about the Seahawks in this article. I’m mostly anxious after a draft where it felt like they picked every position we didn’t need to start and saved our last picks for the ones we did. I have faith fueled by Schneider and Carroll’s success last year in their draft picks, so I won’t talk too much about their picks just yet. That being said, welcome to the team, draft picks!

If we don’t win this one, I’ll be sad; it’s the Panthers, after all.

Week 4: Seahawks Vs. Giants at Metlife Stadium on 10/02 at 7:15 PM CDT

It’s hard to keep track of all the shenanigans that the New York Giants have going on because New York has a lot of excitement, and it’s not often in the Giants’ camp. We do know that the team believes Jones is their guy—a choice only a mother could love. Saquon Barkley is turning down a multi-million-dollar deal because it’s slightly lower than his previous multi-million-dollar deal. Those are rich people’s problems, which I know nothing about.

I would say the team will be a wash; actually, I am saying they are; they have nothing on us. Pete Carroll will literally chew his gum until his jaw unhinges on the side of the field since he and Schneider lost the center of their dreams; John Michael Schmitz and the head coach will ignite the team with righteous anger.

I’m a firm believer in Geno Smith, and I think he has what it takes to bring teams to their knees, especially a team led by Daniel Jones.

Week 5: Bye Week

Maybe there’s something I’m missing because I’m unsure if having a bye week this early in the season seems as incredibly stupid to everyone else as it does to me. What do you say goodbye to in the fifth week? You barely had time to say hi during the regular season. You have the entire season’s schedule ahead of you, and you’re “byeing” us. We said bye before we started. What does this mean for us? All of our running backs will be beaten up again, and we will have special teams running the ball in week 9.

Week 6: Seahawks Vs. Bengals at Paycor Stadium on 10/15 at 12 PM CDT

After a week of rest, we didn’t need; we will encounter the Bengals.

The only thing I have heard about the Bengals is something about running backs, paintball guns, and teenagers. Were they even at the draft? I am looking forward to seeing Joe Burrow show up looking like Macklemore’s Thrift Shop music video each week—and that’s for real; he has some great swag. Or riz?

Short of Joe having his knee pretzeled into the exact opposite angle again, we will have a run for our money. It’s hard to know what to expect in Cincinnati.

Week 7: Seahawks Vs. Cardinals at Lumen Field on 10/22 at 3:05 PM CDT

We’ve got this one in the bag. Not because we drafted a super cool new wide receiver and still have the best wide receiver pair in the league (Lockett is not old; y’all need to get off his back), or because some of our really amazing 2022 draft picks on the defensive side of the ball have one more year of experience guiding them.

No, we have this because the Cardinals are a hot mess. Their old coach is off enjoying Thailand enjoying their tourism industry with a new one that I forget the name of right after I Google him every time. Kyler Murray is always ready to kick off, and hopefully, the new coach remembers to remind him to do his homework since they think an NFL quarterback lacks the discipline to do that. The Seahawks don’t have anything to worry about here.

Week 8: Seahawks Vs. Browns at Lumen Field on 10/29 at 3:05 PM CDT

Yuck, the Browns gross me out as soon as I read their name, and y’all know why. The Seahawks will win because there is justice in the world, and you reap what you sow. I used to love Cleveland’s team, but now they give me the ick.

Week 9: Seahawks Vs. Ravens at M&T Bank Stadium on 11/05 at 12 PM CDT

The Ravens and the Seahawks have a kinship that no other team has: Metcalf had to be carted off the field last season for a bowel movement, and Lamar Jackson repeated runs off the field for a jaunt to the poop deck. It’s not every day that two teams clench together like that.

That being said, Jackson has things to get off his chest, and it’s more than his pads, so he can comfortably go to the bathroom. The Ravens did him dirty by making him wait this long for a contract, and I don’t think that’ll make him a happy camper. I would watch out for Jackson; he doesn’t write back either, Geno.

Week 10: Seahawks Vs. Commanders at Lumen Field on 11/12 at 3:25 PM CDT

The commanders don’t stand a chance. They’re like the dodgeball team without Dan Campbell. They need a season of hard knocks. They have a good thing going with getting rid of their owner, which is stiff competition in the how low can your morals go competition NFL edition. It takes time, though, to cleanse that kind of energy, and I don’t think they have enough sage spray to do it in this short period of time. The team is awful, and we are not, so a win for us

Week 11: Seahawks Vs. Rams at SoFi Stadium on 11/19 at 3:25 PM CDT

I have nothing else to say about the Rams since week 1, so instead, we will reminisce over Bobby Wagner tackling a tiny man shrouded in pink smoke like he was a 6’5′ and 300-pound football player with a full set of padding last year. Now that was an animal rights violation.

Week 12: Seahawks Vs. 49ers at Lumen Field on 11/23 at 7:20 PM CDT

Facing two division rivals in our season schedule four days apart is brutal. It’s a good thing to see that the NFL (doesn’t) care about player safety if Besos has anything to say about it. Also, why is our season schedule script so bad this year? Our bye week was so long ago by now that it was practically last season, and we have to deal with the 49ers twice in such close proximity. Someone is getting coal in their stocking this year, and the whole team is paying for it.

Week 13: Seahawks Vs. Cowboys at AT&T Stadium on 11/30 at 7:15 PM CDT

At this point, it’s a toss-up with the Cowboys. Who can even keep track of that drama? The fans hate Dak Prescott and throw trash on his body when he is being taken off the field with his 57th injury of the season (I know y’all saw that last year). Ezekiel Elliot is gone, and Micah Parsons is beefing with people in the Twitterverse. Maybe we will win just for having our heads on straight and maintaining a sense of cohesion in the locker room.

Week 14: Seahawks Vs. 49ers at Levis Stadium on 12/10 at 3:05 PM CDT

In the only real bye half week we’re getting this season, we will have ten days off after yet another Thursday night game—hopefully, the brain bleeds will have had time to heal in between.

And we’re playing the team no one wants to see again. The 49ers are obtrusively good, and the Seahawks often succumb to them. Best of luck with that, Hawks; hopefully, they have another tsunami like last season, but it rains more this time. Who is their QB anyway?

Week 15: Seahawks Vs. Eagles at Lumen Field on 12/17 at 3:25 PM CDT

The Eagles have been stiff competition ever since they had their QB controversy and showed us how messy their locker room drama was a few years ago. Hurts is on fire; that’s why he runs so much. Philadelphia can put anyone to the test, and the Seahawks are no different.

Week 16: Seahawks Vs. Titans at Nissan Stadium on 12/24 at 12 PM CDT

Eighteen games feel like a really long season schedule right about now. Who even voted that in? Besos?

The Titans suck, and they haven’t made any significant changes to their team that would make me think that anything would be different this season. Does anyone else mix up Tannehill and Cousins? Are they twinning, or do I just have them as the same person in my head? They do have Will Levis, and that’s a good enough reason to watch their games.

Week 17: Seahawks Vs. Steelers at Lumen Field on 12/31 at 3:05 PM CDT

Mike Tomlin is the bomb dot com, and Kenny Pickett is someone to keep an eye on this season. Pittsburg feels a little unstable right now in the locker room, and that will leave them vulnerable for us. Speaking of, anyone excited to see if we can get LOB Round 2 rolling with this defense? I am here for it. By week 17, we will have a really good idea of what our defensive side of the ball looks like – Lord knows we used enough of our picks for it.

Week 18: Seahawks Vs. Cardinals at State Farm Stadium TBD

We’re here; we made it. The Seahawks couldn’t have had an easier finish, and I am sure they will be grateful for it. It will be the perfect palate cleanser before we get into the playoffs because, yes, we will be there. The team is in a really good place right now, and we have some really exciting rookies coming up with a healthy mix of well-seasoned old faithful who will keep us on the straight and narrow. It is truly an exciting time to be a Seattle Seahawks fan.

For more scathing social commentary mixed with football, look at my other articles here.