2023 Chargers Schedule
Week 1 vs. Dolphins
Honestly, it’s a little surprising that this is the first game of the season for these teams. There are always enough storylines early on, and you would think the Tua vs. Herbert hype might be saved for a later date. Of course, maybe the concern was that there was no way Tua’s health could be guaranteed at any other point in the season. Both quarterbacks play well in this game. It might even be a classic “whoever has the ball last wins” kind of game. But the Chargers’ defense does just enough to get the win.
Dolphins 27 Chargers 31
Wild Prediction: After the game, not a single person’s opinion on Herbert compared with Tua has shifted.
Week 2 @ Titans
If this game were later in the season, a case could be made for Derrick Henry running for 250 yards and three scores, leading the Titans to victory. But he seems to have some unimpressive weeks early in the season. This will be one of those. As a result, the Titans’ offense won’t do anything to keep the game close
Chargers 27 Titans 13
Wild Prediction: Mike Vrabel loses a friendly wager with Brandon Staley and has to drink coffee with mayo due to the loss.
Week 3 @ Vikings
There’s a world where Justin Jefferson goes off, and the Vikings take this one. This isn’t that world. A slow start, and maybe some jet lag, prevent it from being a blowout, but the Chargers finally get going in the second half. A late Cousins TD pass to TJ Hockenson makes it look closer than it was.
Chargers 24 Vikings 20
Wild Prediction: Joey Bosa, who bears more than a passing resemblance to a Norseman, has three sacks. Rumor has it he is heard shouting, “Bow to me, for I am Thor!” after his last sack.
Week 4 vs. Raiders
The Raiders sneak up on the Chargers in this one. Maybe it’s the division rivalry, or maybe it’s the looming bye week. Either way, the Chargers find a way to make Jimmy Garapolo look like Samurai Jack as he slices and dices his way down the field. Early whispers emerge after this one about head coach Brandon Staley’s job security if they stumble on a tough schedule after the break.
Raiders 34 Chargers 20
Wild Prediction: Devonte Adams leaves the game after catching his third touchdown when, in an odd twist, he is pushed by a cameraman.
Week 5 Bye
An early bye is never great and even worse after a loss. But this bye week is nothing but a big win for the Chargers as word comes that while they were away, dual water slides, which allow riders to race each other, have been built at the facilities. There’s nothing quite like experiencing defensive lineman racing on water slides.
Week 6 vs. Cowboys (MNF)
The Kellen Moore revenge game goes exactly as he had hoped. While Mike McCarthy seems hell-bent on figuring out how to win by scoring fewer points than opponents, Moore’s offense doesn’t punt once in this game. The only damper on the day is that Herbert takes a nasty Micah Parsons shot to the chest. Chargers fans are reminded of last year. X-rays are inconclusive.
Cowboys 17 Chargers 38
Wild Prediction: Recent Chargers signee Ezekiel Elliot has two touchdowns against his former team.
Week 7 @ Chiefs
In an ugly blowout, Max Duggan, who was backing up Easton Stick, who starts this one, gets a late first-career passing TD and receiving TD off a ball batted back to him. Other than that, the Chiefs walk all over the Herbert-less Chargers.
Chargers 13 Chiefs 41
Wild Prediction: In an ironic twist, Justin Herbert misses the game after a mishap with a painkilling injection before the game. The injury is not suspected to be too serious, and he will return for Week 8.
Week 8 vs. Bears (SNF)
Herbert is back, and so are the Chargers. Justin Fields runs through the defense outside the red zone, but once down there, the Chargers contain him. And while the Bears get field goals, the Chargers find touchdowns.
Bears 23 Chargers 34
Wild Prediction: The game is briefly delayed when the combination of wind and fireworks causes half an end zone to be charred. In that end, it appears to be the “EARS” home stadium.
Week 9 @ Jets (MNF)
The Jets look better under Aaron Rodgers, and the Chargers can’t do anything to stop Garret Wilson. Herbert throws an early pick-six to Sauce Gardener, and the game never feels close.
Chargers 20 Jets 30
Wild Prediction: Word drops before the game that Aaron Rodgers’s brief two-month relationship with Taylor Swift has ended. Swifties pretend to be sad for her but secretly can’t wait for the album the break-up is sure to inspire. It will eventually lead to a new hit titled “Go Sit in Your Dark Room.”
Week 10 vs. Lions
In return to Los Angeles, Jared Goff looks more like the late-period Rams version of himself as the Chargers easily handle the visiting Lions.
Lions 17 Chargers 28
Wild Prediction: The week before the game, the internet is abuzz with a feature that the Lions’ media team produces with Jared Goff, where he takes them to his favorite LA restaurants. It turns out to be six different Wendy’s locations and a gas station for hot dogs.
Week 11 @ Packers
Lambeau gets the better of the Chargers, and Jordan Love looks good in an otherwise disappointing season. The Chargers’ defense is picked apart, and the offense struggles to get players in space against an aggressive Packers defense.
Chargers 17 Packers 27
Wild Prediction: Kellen Moore mixes things up and tries to call plays from the booth for this one. He swears he will never do it again after the elevator breaks down, and he misses the first series.
Week 12 vs. Ravens (SNF)
Lamar Jackson makes the Chargers’ defense look silly. The grandeur of his 450 yards of total offense is surpassed only by two highlight reel throws and catches with Odell Beckham. Suddenly, the possibility of missing the playoffs altogether comes into focus.
Ravens 41 Chargers 23
Wild Prediction: In a repeat of another high-profile prime-time game, Lamar Jackson briefly disappears to the locker room for half a quarter. Los Angeles cuisine is blamed as the culprit.
Week 13 @ Patriots
The Chargers appear to be in freefall after the Foxboro wind blows a last-second field goal wide right. The Chargers fight back from a 15-point deficit in the 4th quarter to bring it within two after a missed two-point conversion. The missed kick puts Brandon Staley’s job security in jeopardy.
Chargers 23 Patriots 25
Wild Prediction: J.C. Jackson is charged with a misdemeanor firearm charge after the game for an incident where he steals a minuteman’s musket after his second intermission. The charges are later dropped, and multiple parties lose their jobs. Bill Belichick hires them after.
Week 14 vs. Broncos
Coach Staley saves his job for another week as the Broncos’ offense can’t find a rhythm. Russell Wilson had been looking better but throws two picks. The 14 points scored off the turnovers are the margin in the game.
Broncos 17 Chargers 31
Wild Prediction: Rumor has it that some calisthenics took place in the aisle on the flight to LA. They didn’t seem to help.
Week 15 @ Raiders (TNF)
The home-field advantage does nothing to help the Raiders on a short week in a battle of hot-seat head coaches. The Chargers control the game from end to end, and the Raiders look lost. The playoff hopes are alive
Chargers 28 Raiders 10
Wild Prediction: Al Micheals, furious with another non-competitive Thursday night game, storms out of the booth in the fourth quarter with the score 28-3. He’s coxed back in, though, in time to call the game’s final touchdown.
Week 16 vs. Bills (Saturday)
Perhaps the time off after the short week causes some players to lose focus as Josh Allen walks all over the Chargers. Against a clear playoff team, the Chargers look like a team that doesn’t belong on the same field.
Chargers 17 Bills 30
Wild Prediction: Thousands of elderly Chargers fans miss the game altogether, thinking they needed to type ‘peacock’ into YouTube. They spend the next few hours watching educational programming on the plumed birds. It is probably a better use of their time.
Week 17 @ Broncos
A New Year’s Eve snowstorm makes for a wild, unpredictable game when the Chargers can least afford it. Herbert does what he can to get the offense going, and Austin Ekeler looks like someone headed toward a big contract. But the defense bends and breaks a bit too much. A late touchdown gives the Broncos a win.
Chargers 24 Broncos 27
Wild Prediction: Trade deadline acquisition Taysum Hill has a huge game for the Broncos. The Chargers give up a LaDainian Tomlinson to Hill, who has a passing, receiving, and rushing touchdown this game.
Week 18 vs. Chiefs
After a tough second half of the season, the Chargers must beat their rivals to make it into the playoffs. But they are helped out by facing several back-ups as the first-overall seeded Chiefs rest key starters. The Chargers clinch a wild-card spot in a game that appears to be wrapped up by halftime.
Chiefs 13 Chargers 29
Wild Prediction: Andy Reid, who loves a post-game burger, is heard complaining that there are no decent burger joints in town. This will surely be a source of heckling in the stands next year.
